Critical

February 1st was the day something strange happened when i was either sitting on my bed or in the bathroom. I found myself in a trace. it was like a mega epiphany (i used to love these when i meditate and find out some crazy connections that just answer the questions of two seemingly completely irrelevant topics. I didnt blog about it immediately because well..i wasnt meditating. i was just thinking. so my logic could have had alot of holes due to the lack of analysis. Soo, its just not worth pumping myself over. Nevertheless i did have an epiphany worthy of noting. It was like several different variables. My friendship with Kevin,the way i feel i portray myself, my utmost desires, and some other subcategories. This all came together when my friend at a part(Jan 30) y said out of completely randomness:
him:"You know kevin afable right?"
Me: "oh yeah we used to be like super bud buddy"
Him:"used to be super bud buddy? what happened?"
Me: " Umm idk i havent seen him in forever its just whatever i think he stopped hanging out with me though cause i smoke so much lol"
him: "oh, well you two talk about the same stuff, like content wise, Kevin tends to talk about the most random shit haha. *picks up a banana and makes a bullshit fact that noone cares about on it"
Me: *tries to act like i wasnt offended and plays along*


This conversation struck me hard..because i wasnt quite sober. i want people to ask themselves this too, and be honest with yourself like..idc who the reference may be to but lets make it a celeb to make a point. If someone were to compare you to a celeb would you take that offensively? Cause idk after he made that comment i realized...you know i would have probably taken that as a compliment a year ago but im at a stage now that im actually very happy with who i am. I feel like id feel equally offended if someone compared me to a celeb. I love the way i do what i do because only i can ever do what im doing.

Then I think, what what is it that im actually doing? Then i realize how much ive changed and actually matured, far beyond old thomas's wonders. The laid back side of me which creeped its way into my life is the personality ive felt was the real me...ever since i was little. But i never had it due to my conflicting thoughts. Im not as far off and naive as i thought. I know what im still doing and how my decisions are influencing myself and others. I still see the differences i make and my god im so proud of the way i completely manhandled anger. I never would have thought that i could cage anger into thi little typical emotion again that is a little fire that only grows when called upon. This requires the patience and stability that has also creeped into my life.

The way i talk to people is also different from when the last time i managed to open my eyes and see wtf i was doing. I was cowardly before and self conscious and anal about the things people said. Now i feel like im getting the groove and i understand im multi layered but i like it like that. I throw out the person that is me at the getgo cause im still terrible at this mingling crap. I dont know when to actually contact them what subjects are right to talk about when i should stop talking. In the beginning ive noticed other people really talk that mingling phase seriously. Its the "Im awkward around you because i dont really know you so yeahh". Dude honestly, i never understood that shit and i never think i will. That is what communication is for so lets skip acquaintance and just be friends. lol. If i think someone is cool then i treat them just like someone i knew for 5 years. Honestly, if anyone wanna know about wtf happened to my head and why im so "socially awkward" idc if its the first day meeting you, ill tell you anything from completely personal to just..cliche. This is for guys and girls. *shrugs* I've learned to be much more smooth with it but i still have trouble and i really dont mind having trouble.

So everything i wanted..becoming human and regaining what i lost. Came back in a hundred fold. I could not be more grateful for the person ive become physically mentally and emotionally. And honestly, im glad i can still have these epiphanies even though i cant meditate. It makes me feel at home. but i know im glad i decided not to go down that path :]. Im glad i can talk to my parents casually now. Im glad that i can purchase any materialistic goods i desire with a bit of patience and hardwork.

This is critical to my life right now, because i think if its this easy for me to be this appreciative its hard for me not to be... Happy :]