Bubl'e

I've been listening to michael buble' its upbeat and pretty music :] thats the good news. Other good news is i finished all the work i had to make up. So whatever grade i get...at least i got the chance to snap back.
Bad news? Ive been going downhill emotionally at an exponential rate. Idk why, nothing satisfies me. I decided to watch fullmetal alchemist last night cause i couldnt sleep and idc how much i change FMA(and my killers playlist which include sweet talk, goodnight travel well, this river runs wild, Sam's Town, and Daddy's eyes respectively) they cure anything. Both of these did shit to me. In order to push through the assignments i actually listened to my killers playlist and it helped enough. last night was just..ridiculous. FMA actually made it worse. I started thinking again. It was anything but productive thinking either. It was just..me pointing out how much of a peice of shit i am. and believe me, apparently it is very easy to just destroy myself.

The final resort i had was to see a face that would forever brighten my day, Lauren. I pulled an allnighter and started to pack and wanted to hop on the 8am bus..but i was so far into shit that i didnt even want to blog...i didnt even want to go anymore because i was in the state of habitual depression. It was BAD. i ended up missing the 8am and 10am bus. i ended up just up and leaving my house at 1030 like i need to fucking go out. Well im not at amherst. idk whats wrong..The only time i felt like so much shit is like...a year ago when i first remembered how it felt like to be depressed. Complete and utter shit. i played pool today though and i was BEAST. any shot that was even relatively straight i didnt even go into proper form to make the shot (getting close by leveling my chin to the stick) i was, what i like to say no-scoping. haha and i was doing ridiculous 4 wall shots..hit the white ball and make the object ball hit 4 walls before getting into the intended to pocket. lol. most i ever do is 3 and its usually hitting 3 walls with the whiteball before hitting the object ball cause i can control the white ball..it was nuts. Didnt make me feel any better. actually made me feel worse cause it made me feel like i needed to feel like utter shit to play that good. Im acting like a bitch honestly.

I honestly want to just jump into that hole. i was close to doing it too cause i felt like such shit last night..depression and anger are only good for this reason because its a burnable resource.

Speaking of anger i got very close to being angry drunk saturday night..i had to hold it back. i went to a party and drank alot the party ended up cutting shot cause someone had the balls to end one of the host's bedrooms. I got so mad cause it was such a fucked up thing to do..you dont egg ANYONES room, and he was such a good guy with all good intentions. he has zero enemies. idk. i was ready to punch someone in the face due to the emotional turmoil ive been experiencing as well. Douglas saw me angry and he himself got very angry cause the boucer there (there was a bouncer this time cause last time at nora's place random people were coming in because they heard music..some didnt pay and by midnight the party was dry) was going to kick doug out cause the bouncer didnt know douglas that well and he had alot of weight on his shoulders cause he didnt do his job properly. Douglas being a black guy, took it very offensively. He saw how angry i got and he noticed how angry he was and we were the first to leave. shit got messy. Also, do i look like a creep?! well, bad question cause i know some people have that impression of me lol. cause i used to be one. I dont creep anymore. Girls are girls. and a party is a place you just unwind, im not looking for anything crazy if we dance were just dancing. This is the SECOND time a girl came up to a girl i was dancing to and cockblocked me. fucking grenades. The worse thing about it was i was acquaintances with the girl that was cockblocking me...i was too drunk then so i let it go.but the morning after it really bothered me. she went up to the girl i was dancing with...also an acquaintance and shes like, "do you want to do this?" and the girl i was dancing with was like..waving her off like its whatever and shes like "you dont want to do this" and pulls her off. its like WTF dude its a party. its not like i was even looking for any. Actually i was dancing with girls butt facing them for kicks for than half the night lol. and yea i can move my hips like a girl :P. one time i was bending down low and touching my toes cause thats how men do it. anywho. dude. like...thats rude. i feel like when that happens especially if i know you thats something personal we need to sort out. So those incidents didnt help my emotional state at all.

theres just..too much going on in my head right now and i dont know what any of this is.i need a smoke. blah