Pushover

My sister just came home and was talking about this douchebag. She apparently has been flirting with this guy because he was a really nice guy...at first. Then after she hung out with him again she politely said im sorry but i just cant sleep with you and walked away and i mean, my sister was pretty messed up in leading a dude on like that but he got ridiculous. My sister said to him, "Im sorry, i just want to be friends" the nice guy that this guy used to be turned into a complete and utter douchebag saying "let me know when you get off of your high horse" and "I feel so bad for all of your guy friends, you are such a sad person and thats why youre never going to get anywhere" he also said "I will NEVER be a pushover" Apparently he, being 32, and still very immature saw this rejection as something my sister does daily to get off to. My sister just learned the word rejection, im so proud of her. But i asked her what a pushover is and she was like..."well...the best example is you. Its men that are overly nice..too nice. Like you, cause you let theresa walk all over you didnt you?" lol

i responded. Whats wrong with being a pushover? im a fucking proud pushover. My happiest days are days where i can make girls i care for smile, feel comfortable, and feel special. Honestly, its the best double win in the world to make a woman feel like shes loved and for a man to feel emasculated.

Anywho life has stabilized. I noticed it fluctuates greatly when i deal with meditation therefore dropped it for the time being! last thing i need on my head is stresses about the world or myself that honestly could be fixed over time instead. Ill pick it up after i enjoy this new years and christmas :]

Speaking of which aside from fucking up my academics and financial life my social and physical life is great! I went to the gym yday alone and toned up. now im 140 again WOOT FUCK YEAH! BOOOSH BITCH lol. now i have to keep it going. mother...fucking..160 HERE. I. COME. goddamnit. lol

Anywho tomorrow im really excited. Im taking tfk out on a date. I feel reallly bad cause i still dont know her name LOL but weve been texting everyday and though we dont really have chemistry...it can easily be built over this date :]. Shes openminded enough for me to give her a try and she responds to my text! omg! never realized how grateful of that i am. Lol Since she is so good at texting i feel more compelled to wake up early just to say good morning to her. I dont want to come off as a lazy bum to her cause its already weird enough that shes 3 years older than me lol so i have to show her im mature and responsible enough to fit her needs.

Ive been talking to kim too and honestly if i were to weigh out my options id choose kim...just because she doesnt seem like a super high maintenance girl and shes just as openminded mature and responsive as tfk. Problem though is shes taken...and i wouldnt say shes as smart as tfk...nor even CLOSE to as rich. lol shit, tfk is more rich than my whole family. But good thing is she Isnt as rich as tfk, shes my age, and i can put my sense of humor out 100%. I still notice a small cultural barrier between me and tfk that makes me retract my crazy side slightly lol. I asked her for a highfive once and her friends said to her jokingly in chinese, "what is the point of that?" (refering to the highfive). I love highfives yo. lol but clearly its not an asian thing. idk haha. But ehh...im going with the flow. and the flow as led me to hang out with tfk before kim they are both amazing woman :]

So on the other note. I was really baked like..3 days ago and i was really enjoying myself even though i was at bb and i never go there but hell, im up for spicing shit up and i freakin bump into theresa. I honestly love to see her. She has a great smile and it makes everyone around her smile. What ive been really troubled about is why did i hate her after she left? I really sat on this thought for these past several days cause i hate feeling anger. It really fucked up my high and i got angry high instead and really didnt appreciate it. Its not that she was with another guy, i honestly could give two shits, I guess its the fact that she up and left when i was clearly intoxicated and just checking my phone...So heres how this story goes. I see her there and im like...fuck..fuck fuck fuck. shes facing the pool section every so often and jumping happily and shit so im like hh im going to say hi and get my phone charged in the meanwhile. I find out shes with a respectable guy. You go dude. haha so i leave my phone there but when i go to check it 15 mins later and sit down with my back facing them they up and leave. Way to cry for attention then make it awkward. Seriously. Thats what bugged me. Something tells me you were jumping around to attract my attention so i comply and in return you make it awkward..why? WHY? why do you need to make shit awkward? lol god. Im not going to lie..i do hold resentment towards theresa...but its just a faze that will be shortlived. Its just i dont like to leave things unfinished and for every girl before her idk, i guess i cant blame her at all. but still, i dont like how she works. Lol idk..thats why i actually put thought into it, because this is the first time in a while that i feel emotional resentment towards someone...why? idk..i dont hate her for any reason...cant blame her for anything because it all boils down to me being the one to blame for continuing to pursue such a person even though she rejected me 4 times lol *shrugs*

Anf, i want to leave it so bad. Im sick of the management and been sick of the way the company is run. Since the pay is shit and the friendly home-like feeling of anf is destroyed there is honestly nothing left of something i once loved. I dont feel obligated to follow anf anymore, idk i guess its time i move out of anf...ive always told myself id never get stuck in one retail store for too long. I already knew itd grow on me and thats the last thing i need. A stable fucking RETAIL job. Men need to shoot higher. Funny thing is i most likely will just go to another retail store like express or cvs. LOL but HEY! at least they pay more.

My life is average. eh. apparently whole foods near symphony is hiring im definitely going to sign up there. Ive also been doing autobody shop research. Im legit going to go into a automotive shop and be like...I dont know shit but can i be your tool fetcher for a year? just teach me! i need a job that is engineer-related! and i want to learn how to fix cars..its a double win. Ill be the best fucking tool fetcher you heard of. lol. ill suck dick to fix cars day in and day out..shit i honestly dont car if they dont pay me lol. so thats what ive been researching. As well as slowly studying for my permit *cough*

Well theres nothing much left...I cant wait to hang out with lauren! shes back in boston and she still hasnt hung out with me grrr...

Oh i am also still mourning for my longboard...still broken under my bed...im so torn about that i cant even bear to dismantle it again..it hurts me too much to see it stripped again. Ill just do it after i buy my new trucks. Lol

People need to get used to the amount of layers i have to myself..i feel like i have more than many other people. I know this because i just found out im the only one that can naturally feel chi flow when im high...I thought everyone was more intune to others and their surroundings when their baked and if im angry then you would feel it....apparently its not normal to be so acute. LOL

I have a mask...which is my character outside. That is me. But its a mask because its just the extremel general summary of who i am. and my mask has alot of layers in itself. Im very open with the character i use to communicate with others. Its a very instinctual ethical person though. A layer underneath that i am thinking why i am such an instinctual ethical person and underneath that i am thinking how i am an ethical person and underneath that, which so few people in my life have come to see..is a genuine person. But the layers are so thick due to all the whats from the first layer, why's from the second layer, and how from the third layer that before you come to realize there is another side to it people just bail out of my life, unable to handle how flexible i am. Thats why its so hard for me to find a perfect girl, i am every contradiction you know of. Im nice but a douchebag, atheist but a believer, responsible but unreliable, demanding but a "pushover", i am motivated but have no confidence and i strive to live with a passion but i want to die. In completely sane but im missing a few screws. i...make no sense. LOL to anyone. They see these contradictions and get scared. But ive incorporated it so even though my outward personality is a crazy asian guy (which actually dates back to 6th grade, i needed a solid enough image to cover the sadistic thoughts screaming from my head) If people hung out with me enough, they can tell i think about my actions...very diligently and im able to change dramatically in different environments. therefore the other two layers manage to weave back into the first. If one can understand that and see past all the awkward contradictions all you might actually see is a very genuine person. Why go through all the trouble in making it so difficult? well, why not just simply have an open mind? Everything in life is worth grasping... everything. And ill end this post at that.