Fired

[Edward throws Tucker against the wall]
Alphonse: Brother!
Edward: This guy used his own wife, Al!
Alphonse: A-and this time?
Edward: HIS DAUGHTER!....and his dog! He transmuted them into that... THING! An easy process when you use people, right?!
Shou: Why are you getting so upset, Edward? It's the nature of scientific progress: animal testing, experimentation, trial and error! All advancements have -- a price.
Edward: Shut up! I'm not gonna let you rationalize this, you monster. That was your own family, damn it! You've been toying with people's LIVES!
Shou: Poeple's lives? hahaha right, peoples live's indeed. Like your arm and leg there? Or your brother's body? Or trying to bring your mother back? That's toying, isn't it? You don't really think you are any different from me, do you, Ed?
Alphonse: Why, Mr. Tucker? The whole point was to pass the assessment and continue your way of life. But now your family's gone. What life is left?!
Shou:That's the funny thing, I didn't have a reason. I fully understood, no matter what I did, my life would be ruined. I could either do it with the science, or without. And so I chose science, to see if I could.
Edward: What kind of man...
Shou: When you have the power to do something, it's hard not to try. Isn't that what we agreed on, Ed? Aren't we so much alike?
Edward: NO!
Shou: As a scientist, no, as a person, theres no bounds to your desire toput your knowledge into practice. You want to test out what kind of power has been given to you, by learning all the secrets that are hidden in this world. That is the essence of alchemy.
Edward: You're wrong. Alchemy isn't meant to be... I'm not like you! I'm not! NOT! NOT!
Alphonse: Brother, you'll kill him!

For everyone that knew me before college, ive always been obsessed with fullmetal alchemist, the anime show i got these quotes from. Id have to say ive watched the entire series from episode 1 to 51 easily at least 100 times. Thats why i was able to find these quotes so easily cause i remember exactly which episode and when it happened. This show was such a fucking great metaphor for my life. Its unfortunate that after two years the first quote i think back to immediately is this one. This is how i feel right now. Im shou and ed, but thats because im trying to prevent myself from doing something stupid. alchemy, i saw it as a metaphor to meditation. In very high levels of mediation you can control exactly how you want people to react towards you by reading their emotions, seeing their chi and reacting accordingly...like a rpg game.

Let me clarify and speak in a tongue where future me reading this blog will understand. Meditation. My yang has been growing rapidly, its the first thing that grows because im so experienced with it. But at the same time my body is used to yin now, subconciously thanks to bfbg. They are such a welcoming and friendly community that im constantly happy around them. Actually today i was using so much yin kanji literally said "wait, i cant stop smiling but im sad this doesnt make any sense!" haha cause we were playing pingpong and i told him that if he lost then he would have to come to the strip club with us. lol he really didnt want to do it. haha he has a girlfriend and he believes its a waste of money but everyone was willing to pay for him just to have a good time haha. After an intense game of ping pong thats how he responded. Anyways. I was smoking before getting on the train, i had to wait twenty mins for the train and i suddenly went under...forgot what song i was listening to...damnit but i instilled a thought in my head now. I want to see my world go to shit, just to see what i can do. I want to get angry again. I can easily do so just by breaking a small wall in my head haha. But i wanna rage and just go 100 percent to feel like im king of the world again why havent i done it? well 1) i dont want my world to go to shit and 2) im not actually going to feel like a king because most likely with such anger and with the mental/ emotional strength i have now i might as well jump off a cliff and be done with it. its honestly not worth the burden lol

So its a loss loss but my head is itching or discovery. To see if i can still do it and get through it. Itll be a prime time to change any bad habits ive picked up or characteristics i dont like ever since the last time ive meditated. That is, if i can handle it haha. I honestly just got back into this shit i dont see what the rush is in being so negative all the time..Even though im like 80% sure i got fired from anf...and my longboard is destroyed...and i owe the credit card company about 300 bucks and my academic life is well..inexistant right now and i clearly need to re-evaluate myself due to SOMETHING going wrong in my head. You and i know theres something fucked up about me. haha but seriously. i still dont think its worth it to do that shit. I have barely grazed the surface of yin yet and im dying to suffer. the fuck thomas. haha

Well, Yeah umm..i got fired from my job. I kinda made it happen honestly...coming in 4 hours late..then an hour late..then 2 hours late...yeahh.. i called sara this morning cause i was suppose to come into work and i was like oh shit! (840) ill be there shortly i woke up late! (i was suppose to be in at 7) she was like dont even come in thomas, i cant handle your retardedness anymore, im taking you off the schedule- (she either said "for" or "as of" today) lol i was too sleepy and i was like...ahh shit. haha w/e didnt really like that job anyways. Paid too little. Love the people! LOVE that place what am i talking about!? But if i got fired im not going to miss it. haha I got an interview at express though! hey! lets do it up time to suit up haha.

Ehh im a mess..Cant wait for classes to start again seriously. i cant fuckin deal with vacations. Gives me too much time to do stupid shit.

Good news is, im getting closer to this british asian grad girl haha. I met her via pool and i havent seen her in awhile and when i went into the poolroom two days ago she was like...Hey!! i havent seen you in a while! and im like yeah same here! and shes like..i..missed you! It was one of those genuine moments where you havent seen a friend in a while and well... you miss their presence..and well i said i missed her too haha. I just got on campus late today and she was walking out the exit of curry i was going to enter and she grabbed a seat next to me and we talked for about an hour haha. She has this really sexy hint of english accent behind a slight asian accent. I actually havent written her name yet because i cant..pronounce..it LOL shes from china but lived in london for like...4 years. Hey i learned from my last one...no sudden movements. haha I might give her my blog. i found it to help me when i gave theresa my blog because i felt just that much more comfortable talking to her. Knowing that if she wanted to, she could know whats actually going on in my head beyond that day to day laugh, smile and craziness. Its a really good situation because i know if i forced any of these thoughts upon someone im getting to know then it would go terribly wrong haha.

Well, idk the funny thing about this girl is that i was actually going for her superhot fucking supermodel-status friend before her. Im not sure if she knows about it haha. Me and her friend are still really cool we still text..but very rarely.. But once again..another fuck up. haha Shrugs* I fucked up cause i went for it..we were ballroom buddies for several weeks and she learned how to tango, waltz, and foxtrot it was fun haha. Then i made it awkward because i took her out to eat there were alot of silences. I choked up because she looks like a fucking supermodel, international student, shes well educated and older than me by 5 years AND shes most likely BANK studying internationally at northeastern holy shit. Plus points upon plus points. So i tanked haha. Oh well. This girl im talking to is almost just as hot and has the accent damn...makes me pat my hind leg and wag my tail when she talks haha.. Creeeep haha i know anywho

What else i didnt blog about recently is my nightmares. Ive been having alot of vivid nightmares lately. One of them being having sex with my fuckin COUSIN. i honestly never felt sooo disturbed in my life. I remember being in my bedroom and there was sex in the air..like seriously...and i didnt know who was in the other room but i knew that girl wanted to bed me. I was like okay this is a wet dream this should be interesting. I go into my sisters room and my sisters are gone but my cousin is there waiting for me. She grabs me and throws me against the wall and im like UGHHHH OMFG NOOOO and she makes out with me...terrible desperate kissing and she rips my clothes off and i grab for the door but she pulls me back and i trip over my pants and she was like come here! and steps over my body cause im on the floor so shes standing over me and thats when i woke up...scared SHITLESS lol you dont understand..worse wet dream ever. hahahaha.

Then there was this really intense zombie dream. Im used to zombie dreams now and im like okay theres zombies this is a fucking dream and reallly graphic dreams are usually controlable. I remember going up to a door and knocking it when i first enter the dream...idk why...my first instinct was to honestly fuck with the dream so i knock on the door expecting to hear the sound of two kncoks on wood and be impressed by a really vivid dream but due to the knocks i heard a growl like a dog and then the door started shaking uncontrollably i look around and see myself in a library kinda hospital like set up. Big spacious white and alot of books..maybe the research center of a lab in the hospital. OR A SCHOOL! it was probably a school, but w/e it was a glitch and in the dream it looked pretty legit so i was pretty fuckin certain they were going to get through that door when i was in that dream and i was like FUCCKK so i ran around to find weapons and equipment and another door. Pretty much my whole dream consisted of serious heart racing action packed running in close quarters with zombies. Mother fucking. This time, it was so fast paced i couldnt think. My adrenline was too high. Last time i had a memorable zombie dream i was able to think of a ladder..then see a ladder and climb it...or think of a car and run out into the street and find an unlocked car. Yeah, this time it didnt work. I was scared shitless.i remmeber i managed to kill one zombie cause he was alone and i heard him and he was running down the hall and i was around the corner and i had a letteropener and i jabbed it into the back of his neck. REALLLY graphic sensations im telling you. Feeling a letteropener go through dead flesh is NOT a comfortable feeling..its like finger blasting a cold duran. *shivers*

So those are the only two i remember the rest were well..lost stories because i didnt blog about them in time haha. There were about 5.

Well about theresa..She started tumbling again..clearly more interactive with her page and it honestly made me smile and it made my day. Made me really feel great today thats why i was able to radiate so much positive energy today, honestly. But idk. Just like with this new girl, im going to let the flow take me. hopefully the flow leads us to hanging out because i feel like i dont trust theresa enough with my heart for her to handle it but hey...im really excited to see her have me fall for her again haha. im rooting for you girl. Ill put in my part but only enough so that youre given the chance to willingly show me yours. Thats what awesome guys do :D always giving people another chance. Well because technically in real life this was all a linear chain of events and im not suppose to act like she fucked up cause i simply took time to focus on finals week. EY! the wonder and weirdness of thomas's mind haha This applies for both girls but idk. im just chillin. haha

btw theresa put something very poetic on her tumblr..that is seriously me hha id like to document it for future reference:
"laugh so hard that even sorrow smiles for you; fight so strong that even fate accepts defeat; love so true that even hatred walks out of the way; and live life so well that even death loves to see you exist."

Well my life is going into shit and im not giving a fuck! shit! i need to go job hunting STAT.