"I see you"

I used to have this natural skill that lasted long after i lost my center. Its a bitch to learn at first but once you learn to meditate at high levels its literally almost impossible to forget because you use it SO much that it becomes instinctual. I say literally and yet almost because well..ill get to that. ANYWHO i have the ability to look into someones eyes and just..know. When trained independently i can look into someones eyes and feel your past. Your memories are only what emotions you felt during those events, i learned that the hard way. Which is why i lost my memory during that tragic period...but thats an old story haha.

Thats another reason why i have such bad memory, due to lack of emotion. Without emotion nothing sticks to long term memory and it passed through your brain as if you are looking at a random object. And kids, thats the secret to studying. People that study super long dont make them smart, it actually means theyre less advanced. When i was in middleschool i was able to control my emotions so i could focus yet have one solid emotion flare the entire time. That way you only need to look at the material once and the emotion was so profound that you wont forget the material. (funny thing is i failed in academics all my life because i was meditating at such a young age that i thought that studying and school was honestly pointless...until i lost my center and realized i have no work ethics to help me up) Meditation at its finest ;) The only reason why people remember the stuff they study better when they study longer is because 1) the self discoveries, therefore epiphanies(which could be found 10x faster when meditating when you study cause like i said before if the physical body shuts down and your brain is only processing the information in your head already....15 mins can equate to 45 mins at least that was my old self's time), and 2) the amount of stress which they are put under while digesting the information. Such an unhealthy emotion...Which is why it is soon forgotten. Its natural for the human mind to dispel of stress while you sleep so the less stressed you are, the less you will remember. Of course the human mind after studying enough confuses stress for confidence because they see a correlation between good grades and stress but once theres seriously a hard test and BAM real stress shows up and fucks people over. The studying all goes down the drain because not only was it based on the emotion of stress but it is blended and confused with the emotion of confidence. See why i want to meditate now? lol this is only 1/10000000th of the benefits you get from understanding yourself. i can tell you this but you cant control your emotions and focus at the same time anymore can you? fml. lol

Anywho, i digress. The ability to see into other peoples eyes used to help me so much. I would be able to look into their eyes and feel theyre stronger emotions and there are two things to the emotions seen in eyes. Depth and what i like to call drag. Depth is the density if this emotion how powerful it was could give me a brief understanding of how much it impacts you and drag. The amount of time this emotion has been dragged. If a very deep hatred has died but dragged for a long time it would be heavy in the eyes but feel distant. If only i could combine now me with old me shit would be RIDICULOUSS. The swag of new me with the assistance and confidence of old me. man.. But yeah so by understanding myself i was able to see into others clearer. It only takes a glimpse of the eyes. When you watch animes or shows and you hear people say, "i see the look of a soldier in your eyes, its as if your staring into the distance." sayings such as those, have so much truth behind them. Lol Theyre lives are filled with such DEEP and present emotions that even the average person is able to see it.

This is the first time i ever really wrote an indepth discription about eyes..Then again, this is the first time i wrote an indepth dispcription about any type of training i did during meditation. Not because i dont want to but its because i dont remmeber. then again i understand why i remember this stuff. Its because all my knowledge was lost along with my emotion of love..Thats the emotion i tried to separate from my memories causing me to forget them. Lol. Self-inflicted ptsd. Foreshadowing.

Im getting ahead of myself though. Theres alot happening right now in my head that i honestly...cant even blog about so im going to skip it...sorry future self but im sure you understand.

So the date with tfk went well. It went great actually. We watched a movie, the adventures of tintin. Then went iceskating, then ate and talked. I walked her home afterward and weve been texting since. Were suppose to go to first night together and countdown. The closer i get with this girl the more sad i am. She is perfect. Shes rich, smart, openminded, humorous but humble. Shes mature and i see that shes low in confidence but she suffices by trying very hard to better herself. Shes a very beautiful human being. I get sad because shes older than me, and she deserves someone so much better. Shes also graduating the upcoming june and leaving the states. Ive realized that sooner or later were not going to have anything to talk about. Shes so shy that she doesnt want to ask me about who i am so whenever we talk, all the days weve texted back and forth have been very surfacey but shes clearly showing that she wants to be there. Im also not the best at digging for conversations, ive always hated small talk so this relationship is bound to turn bitter within the months to come unless she opens up.

That is the extent of my skill now, i can only feel one layer down now. The general and overall feeling. Thats why i said almost impossible..its a very vague feeling and it took me the entire date and all the text collected to feel it. I remember the eyes then put her personality into it and then i just feel.

Theresa and i started talking again and i dont know whether to be ecstatic or torn. Im talking to tfk now but i know shes going to graduate in the future so i dont want to give her too much...Theresa has complied completely and ive never felt better. The reason why i was so attracted to her in the first place is the fact that she has the eyes of someone seriously beautiful. Its hard to explain, at such a level people can only call it chemistry. I write about eyes now because i actually remembered this memory of me reading people via their eyes about 2 months ago but i let it marinate in my head because i honestly didnt know how to describe it. I remembered this because of theresa. I saw her eyes and was like...theres something passionate there. Which is why i kept myself so heavily gaurded. Even though she was flirting with me i still considered it just friendly. idk thats why i was so confused because i was mixed between my indisputable skill that has been unwavering for a decade and the actions of someone that does things that doesnt seem to quite...fit. Its impossible for me to explain because its something i felt but i know she knows what im thinking, with or without my blog, my blog is just a bonus. Theres something very unique about this girl and i know for sure now and dont intend to let go anytime soon. But at the same time, why would she start talking to me? Now im torn between two and i hate hurting hearts. Fuck i dono what to do because i already promised tfk id countdown with her on newyears. I dont blame theresa for coming back into my life..there has been plenty of times that girls i thought were special just werent..and to be honest i got used to it..but my im completely blown away now because she has proven herself so much... Ill ..figure out how to make a double win ill have to talk to one or the other... So much love this merry christmas.

edit:

Play the disappearing act doesnt hurt me. The more shit you put me through when im feeling a positive emotion only makes me better. Try making me angry then fuck with me...then again its impossible to make me angry and if you do, you wouldnt even get the chance to fuck with me. Im an open book baby, i got nothing to hide because nothing can hurt me, youre just giving me a mirror so i can show you who you are. What are your motives? i wish i could understand eyes again..