Attraction

Why cant i like someone? This is troublesome. LEt me lay it out. When i meet someone i am attracted to these days its not like a simple i know i like that person because i feel it..its a emotion. Its become much complex and i feel as if i still have much to redevelop because when i meet someone thats attractive physically or personality wise, They make me smile, yes, they make me feel very interested and curious. Those are only very few pieces to the emotional of attraction though. What happen to the whole, Attraction? The attraction that lies in chemistry when i speak with her, or the feeling of missing someone. These all go hand in hand when one person is attracted to another. This was only a small problem with Emily, there were times i guess i can say...forgot to like her. It made me question myself because if i go on a whole two days and not think of her at all then just say whoops hi oh your the one im seeing oh yeah youre the one im supose to like..okay..*like* lol. I could deal with that..but i noticed that whether it is a cuddle buddy or a serious relationship. I put a peice of my heart in every one of them.

Now i met this girl named Claudia and i just feel like a robot. Shes the girl ive been waiting for this whole time. And im a robot. I actually can remember her face whenever i please. Let me show you how special that is for me. It takes a memory of essence of personality and distinctive aspect on the face for me to remember your face. thats always who its been ever since i lost my memory. If you told me to paint a mental picture of my sisters or my parents its impossible. all id remember about my younger sister is her mole..and my older sister...nothing. Parents...ehh.. nothing. It takes alot for me to draw a mental picture of a face. I rememeber Claudia's face instantly when i draw the shape of her smile in my mind and think of a strong yet bubbly girl. Its so cute. lol

It hurts me because i cant actually feel the simple yet strong emotion of attraction. If i know what hurt means anymore. It seems like insanity has numbed a large portion of my subconscious yet again, i havent noticed because i have no need for it til now. I know i like this girl, she makes me smile and when im with her i dont think about anything else. I get nervous and feel butterflies. But the feeling of actual attraction is lost. Where is my fuckin heart? Am i so scared to fall in love again, through and through, that i cant even like a girl like claudia? this is ridiculous. Emily still doesnt understand this. and hopefully she reads this. I liked her...but at the same time i cant like her lol. I cant stay in a relationship for me its impossible. I want to make it work though. I need to fix myself. Funny thing is when i look at all the people i used to like, The very simplistic feeling of attraction comes to mind again. but that is a memory that for some reason is a "read-only" file. I know you think its wrong. But lots of times to kinda..get the gears moving..i thought of when i genuinely liked van..then i opened my eyes and saw emily then id talk to emily and reember the emotion of liking EMILY. and thats how i did it. Im a different person. And i dont want to be. Can the person that stole my heart please return it to me? One day this blog would be put into the wrong hands and everyone would see the lies i have to live to be human. For the most part, you only see my true lacking when the subject of attraction comes to mind. This is how empty i was when i lost my memory, I moved and acted but felt. NOTHING..remembered Nothing. i would say "now i will laugh, because it is morally correct"...i wonder...if diagnosed, exactly how SANE am i? Well, i knew ever since i lost my memories how fragile ive become. I knew that the next girl i was to give my heart to i would have to marry. But i abused it. Van, Sara, emily, chengcheng, anh, lindsay, rachael, gloria, christine afable, angela O., Stephanie...im probably missing some. alot of girls have came and left. Idk..it sucks. w/e.


I digress, i do not wish to instill the wrong thoughts onto myself. im comepletely sane, im somehow over dramatic and too close to the project. i just need to step back. Im holding onto things and hiding others on instinct because im used to messing with my head. Ive been for god knows how long i need to stop what im doing. Its very simple i just need to open my eyes and live.

right?

The Killers- Sweet talk