Yeah, I still got it :)

So, ive completely let go of any lead i had on meditation so... "fuck", yeah i know. but its okay winter is here! Manipulating body heat is the first thing and easiest to learn. When you learn to believe more and more that the degrees outside is all in your mind, it feels great just enjoying a cool breeze. So yeah, i still got it. I thought i would freeze to death this winter but im glad i still got it. Today everyone is freezing and trust me i know how cold it is. I just prefer not to feel it haha.

This blog post has alot to do with meditation actually, i meant to write this post a long time ago but, well, there isnt a proper excuse i can come up with. Like i said Dreams play a big role in my long life-learning experience and this is a prime example of this. These dreams have stopped due to present happy thoughts, but for roughly three nights i had dreams about pain. Torture to be exact. I was having dreams that someone was interrogating me for information about myself. One side of me was fine because he did not fear or feel like surgeon knife, stapler or my nails being pulled out. I guess it was something to remind me that i used to be able to meditate, something i actually forgot about for a period of time. The past always comes back to haunt me i guess but thats in the past. I wish it was a better description but it was something that happened about a week ago.

Matter of fact im sitting outside right now. lol everyone that passes by me thinks im crazy cause im on a table outside in this cold weather, i think its a bit nuts myself. Im actually smoking alot so that i dont look completely strange outside typing intentively on my computer lol

My life aside from meditation slapped back into my life? well my romantic life is a bit confusing. I realized that im confused. for the first time i actually like someone. i actually hate this emotion because it drags me down but it feels good to feel it again :]. The confusion comes in because do i actually want to risk the relationship i have with this girl for a relationship? am i ready for one? Are these emotions temporary and only due to the vulnerability i have around her? I want to be sure that i am deeply infatuated before i get caught up in another relationship with the opposite sex, thats all. Due to Emily and all the many other girls that came and went and left holes in my social life i dont want it to happen again.

On another note, i recently went to Umass Amherst and it was great! Thank you Lauren! haha I had such a blast even though i was there for only 12 hours. It was the first time i was able to just hang with people that are cool and nonjudgmental. Getting pretty drunk throughout the night was just a bonus :] At first i was a bit quiet and conscious, because truth is im not very good with large groups of people. After several drinks that problem was solved though and i was more laid back and just myself. Thank god i wasnt hyper. Im really thinking about kicking that side of my out. Its so immature.

There is alot ahead and im looking forward to it academicly and oh of course! pool! how can i forget about pool. Even though im doing worse slightly its because i actually improved ALOT haha i fixed my stroke from scratch and im not quite used to it. lol its too awesome for me but on my good days i make beautiful shots and clear tables like nothing. I can see alot more now. I play very rarely now compared to last year so i have no chance to sharpen my skill but im excited. Im planning to buy a new pool cue in the near future :), after several weeks about a month after i make enough for expenses and i buy contacts, the pool cue will be next :]

Well i reached my limit haha i remember when i was able to maintain myself in much colder weather and for hours at a time but its a start. Im back inside and the cold is melting off of me. Heat and cold arent very different, both of them burn so you just need to convince yourself of the lather.

Work is great i think the coworkers like me. There seems to be alot of back-talking but i get my job done and im pretty good at it so if anything they cant judge me on my performance. I make sure that i dont get too personal with them as well, they seem to be okay about hanging out outside of work but ehh, its risky because then the different outlooks come in.

Music would definitely be The Killers. they are such a talented band Im so hooked on Sam's Town, This River is Wild, and Daddy's eye. all three of them have such pleasant lyrics :] Thyre those songs where i listen to them and only here the lines that relate to the thoughts at that moment, its like im in sync with the songs. For example, when i was taking about my ramance life, i heard " But theres something pulling me. The circus and their crew, well they're just passing through, just making sure that merry still goes around. But it's a long, long, long way down." It really allows me to pick apart the songs for several perspectives, even if my reference is completely out of context. Thats a fairly poor example because it doesnt relate 100% but you get what im trying to say. haha. Well, im going to stop dragging this post on. Life is great right now, stable and productive.

btw this year i was monopoly man! it was a half fail but Umass people are so cool its w/e theyre like "hey you dont need a excuse to wear a suit." haha people there are sooo chill i really wish i went there. well Work in about 7 hours haha time to get some hw done!

I've got this energy beneath my feet
like something underground's gonna come up and carry me,
I've got this sentimental heart that beats
but I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me