Stationary

So tonight I feel a bit peculiar. Idk my days seem long and drawn out and everything seems like it takes more energy to do. No, this isnt because im sleepy. This is because of columbus day. Fucking columbus day made miss a day of class so i feel like im not in school, the wheels arent moving. Theres something else as well. My social life has been going down the drain. This isnt a complaint i guess cause surprisingly im not stressing over it whatsoever. I needed a break from everything because of my awkward chapter in my life o.O haha.

What i didnt blog about is how awkward of a person ive become. Its very easy for me to be an awkward person due to my philosophical backround, social construct is inexistant to me and the only way i can be not as awkward is to remember proper etiquette...as a person. I feel like i can only act completely comfortable around 2 people..Doug and Big thomas. Idk why but for some reason if someone isnt completely w/e about my actions i pick up on it and question it, almost but not really directly...making it very awkward.

For example, me and chris should be best friends at this point. But i feel like he feels awkward around me. I feel his personality shift to more of a quiet and reserved nature, but i dont blame him cause im quite the reserved person myself when im not in a big group. This isnt him though ive seen him hang out one on one with many other people just fine hes crazy laughing his weird laugh and having random conversations. For some reason i cant seem to ride on his same quirky wavelength. Ive become a very awkward person, as if im right inbetween two personalities. I call him all the time now to hang out, it used to be vise versa, and he was like im at keiths and im like well i just got on campus cause i got out of work and i felt like he was trying to keep me away cause he kept saying. Well im just chillin at keiths. Before when i wasnt the awkward person hed just be like word dude! drop by keiths were just chillin and talking haha. Keith is also a friend of mine and hes a cool guy. idk i have this seriously awkward aura around me that makes people stay away..

Lauren for example. Okay lauren am i being awkward? idk if youre going to read this but i feel like im being awkward even though i feel like im calling you and texting you the same amount but communication isnt there. Something just about the tempo of my life is...off. I texted you about when i should come to amherst and you still havent texted me back even though deadmau5 is in 3 days. Idk I realize ive become an awkward person so im questioning it directly.

This is kinda why im actually appreciating this mini vacation. I cant socialize. I guess its because i lost my will to after the recent heartbreaks. The recent chapter of my life, i tried something new and put my whole self out there first as icebreakers..giving people my blog..actually outright saying, "im attracted to you" to one girl. She wasnt scared off she was just taken back. Were friends now. But it was something i have to try cause i was never the type to play games..never. If you say, "im sorry im busy all week" for me that doesnt mean "try harder" or "gtfo you creep", It means literally youre busy and i think nothing of it...or try not to. haha. Same goes for my friend kanji when i was having a bad trip i felt like he was really hating me so i outright told him "i noticed somethings off when we smoke together so i just wanna let you know that youre a cool dude and if you wanna talk about it I wouldnt even sweat it dude." He actually signed off but ehh. Me and him are cool now haha but i smoked smoking with him..and well..stopped smoking in general cause i feel like weed also has a part in this awkwardness due to the out-of-body experiences.

So theres an awkwardness that has come about me and my friends and i feel like im the cause, if there is any awkwardness existant and idk how to fix it. I feel like i should stop talking to people for a while haha.

Tonight was a nice night though, when i got out of work It felt weird, not a single text all day and my luck just had it that i had just enough cigs to last me for the night and the morning and that never happens when the pack is coming close to the end...ever I either have an awkward 4-5 left when i buy a pack or none at all haha.(i quit trying to quit again...i need to find a stable period of my life where i can make my anti-depressant something where i dont have to depend upon...hopefully itll be soon. As you can tell i lost motivation to quit because i feel as if my motive doesnt exist anymore.) Its just nights like these where even though i was exhausted and hungry and kinda lonesome that cigs and a beautiful night sky was the perfect thing for me. So i went on campus and sat on a bench for about 30 mins staring at the moon because it was full and my god it was so beautiful because if the moon was say, 5in in diameter the vivid circle around it was a womping fucking 5 meters. There was a huge dark circle that was lined with white clouds/light? around the moon that took up a good chunk of the sky. So i sat on campus and smoked and stared at the moon. Also, my headphones are fucked up but for some reason they worked perfectly fine all night...It was as if the world wanted me to enjoy this night alone haha.

My life is pretty chill right now but like usual, especially after such a nice night my days are going to get ROCKED by some course of events or another, Im going to need to carry around my longboard just in case i need some me time. ahha

Halarious minichapter.
So i had a very deep conversation with doug cause like me i can bend my personality to fit the situation almost immediately, super serious, or stupid or funny or all three at once. So Another reason why im not touching weed again is maybe because of the fact that i got scared for about 3 days ish that i was actually becoming gay..the paranoia planted itself when i was baked once like a month ago. haha And it just went rage when i was smoking with my friend kat and there was just a ridiculously large amount of gay dudes around and they were all hitting on me..and im like...why the fuck am i so attractive to gay guys and not girls? makes no sense. haha. Dont get me wrong cause i love vagina, clearly. But i just felt like welp, im not discriminating maybe ive just been fishing in the wrong tank. haha WTF. Anywho hanging out with big thomas definitely makes me feel better cause hes super bro and i hung out with him recently and it was funny cause the most bro guy i know and hes in the taxi singing justin beiber. hahaha funny character.

This whole awkwardness has caused me to question myself as a person. I realized I have no past, and i have no idea where im going with my life. I just go with the flow of the present and always keep in my what i want in the future. I explained my lifestyle indepth with doug that night and he made me realize my life is so fucked up haha but since i dont have a past nor walk on any path. I let my instincts take me wherever in the moment haha...i really need to change that.

Dream theatre concert was THE SHIT! to be honest though i was falling asleep for a period of it though cause the music was soo good and so relaxing haha it was metal but im used to falling asleep to blaring rythmic metal ahha :P

Well idk what else? i guess ill jump into this hole and see what happens after a week when i try to text people again haha Cause i clearly cant comfortably communicate with anyone XP.