R0SE5

Fuck, So i feel soo not myself today but i guess i saw this coming. I forgot who i am, What makes me who i am. Many people already asked me if im okay cause i dont seem myself but i just tell them that i have been lacking sleep which isnt true at all.

This morning i woke up at 10am and immediately felt off. I was well refreshed but i felt like completely shit, so i laid in bed until 2 thinking, not even sleeping. I dont want the world to see me anymore. I wanna just crawl into a hole and well...die. haha but knowing me ill probably truck through this chapter and hopefully itll leave me with nothing more than just a story. i think this is another "bigbang" where my head just wipes its slate completely clean of everything that connecs me to its former personality/self. If i disconnect myself anymore this can be pretty fucking serious. Its already almost impossible for me to even appear like myself, let alone hold a conversation. Then again, i hevent been really holding any conversations for the past 3 days of any sort.

Ive been questioning whether or not im actually mentally insane. My head is very confused. I dont know whether im confused, depressed, angry or just plain distraught.

I've never wanted to be more alone than i do now. Just away from everyone and everything, in my bed until i figure out what the fuck is going on. I lost my appetite and have nightmares at night. Today even though i woke up at 10, clearly satisfied of sleep cause i layed in bed for an extra 4 hours, i feel exhausted as if i havent slept in 72 hours. The days are moving slower.

Maybe im clinically depressed and i dont even know it but WHY. Why is the question that bugs the fuck shit out of me. I refer to myself as an egg. Strong on the outside but once the smallest pressure is used from inside everything shatters. haha im a fucking mess.

Idk, i can keep going on and on about this cause i feel like no words can properly express how much shit i feel but hey, hopefully this blogpost and the many after it will help me get through today. I need to show everyone that nothing is wrong so that after i get through this i can continue living my life, not one friend less or different.

During my 10-2 thinking ive established that this was bound to happen again. Starting at a very young age my life was filled with nothing more than anger, depression and well...memory loss. Im bound to an emotionally unstable life haha. I laugh at how pitiful that sounds but its true. From 6-10th grade while people were learning how to socialize and just, be themselves. I was focused on thinking and absurd philosophies, eventually suffering from a very traumatic period in my life. So its not surprising to me that i would not know who i am at all yet. This time i feel like i dont have those very close friends anymore that i can talk to or vent to. Therefore, i will rely on my blog much more often now, just to spew madness. I dont want to defile this new blog so ive decided to go back to my old blog until this is over.