Dead

There is no better way to describe it. Im just tired..i feel like im going to pull through somehow but i feel like SHIT. I walk slowly, kinda dragging my feet, and i smoked at LEAST 5 in the course of the last hour. This isnt like me. Why is this so? I cant hold it in anymore. There is alot of stress pent up inside. Its not my social life..well it kinda is. Theres too much. I smoked that much partially cause i miss the lonely nights at the library constantly studing and walking around aimlessly. It made me feel real. Dont be mistaken though, I cant not be more grateful. Chris and douglas are so cool they are my new bros and people actually call me for plans! They call ME. I just do my thing. haha this is great but..my grades are slacking. Every night i punch myself..i need a 3.0 to do anything. Whether that be a co-op or northeastern day. Im tired of not dorming and commuting. I have a 2.5. Everyone thinks i have a 3.5 at least...or a 4.0. haha im flattered. I can still pull through and get all A's..but i have to make up so much work right now and i shouldnt be in this postion. It makes me so mad and its all my fault. I never ever want to be in this prediciment again.
Next step to studing is to learn how to balance studing and social life. I want to hit the gym more too. I felt SO good going to the gym recently with douglas. We pulled a unproductive all nighter and decided to say fuck it and went to the gym from 6-8. I worked out hard until burnout on every part of my body and i woke up with tense muscles for the next three days. Im confident but i have very low self-esteem. Im pulling all nighters but not doing any work. Im eating but not gaining weight. I pretty much live on campus but i dont dorm. I hate halfassing my life. One of my biggest petpevs has become to just not halfass ANYTHING i do. If im going to start something...finish it even if itll destroy me so itll be quick and deadly. What im doing now is worse..just..slow torture. bah.
Even when it comes to reading! ive been reading this very interesting book named All of an Instant. Its sci-fi/philosophy and my god everytime i pick it up its so captivating but once i put it down i dont pick it up for another two days. Im still on page 60.
Im even halfassing my trip to umass amherst! I really miss you lauren. but there are always obstacles..things i could have avoided by changing my schedule a week or two before. Im lazy. I hate being lazy cause that was me 2 years ago. Ironicly, it makes me want to meditate. I know better. haha.

What do i like you ask? Im opening up to people. Im creating a image for myself. I told douglas a 30 min summary of my past. He respects it. He knows why i cant remember shit if you question me about..a year ago. haha If you asked me to be optimistic, id say i like how i know how smart i am. Every year since elementary school, Every. Single. fucking. teacher told me "Thomas, why are you so lazy, everytime you do work its the best in the class you are not working to your full potential, why? you know what youre doing and you know what youre doing wrong, just CHANGE" It was so hard for me to back then cause i had so much on my mind...it was not my top priority. But now that is cleared. I see what my motivation can do and i see what will happen if i focus. People that were clearly smarter than me 2 years and a year ago fuckin envy me. I dont have to study for test as much and i ace it. Just recently i did a take home test drunk and high. The teacher was terrible and i pulled it off using only a quarter of a page worth of notes, common sense, and the internet. (the text book is a terrible teacher aside from formulas) My study group didnt do it cause they didnt know i went to the library drunk and high to do it so they thought were all going to fail together cause they didnt know how to do it. They dragged me out of class that day and i went to the classroom nextdoor and taught them everything i knew on the chalkboard..the entire test. They got a 40/40 and i got a 39/40. Our "tutor" which is a extra student that joined our studygroup, is way older and brags about being 2 weeks ahead of the class and shit and he seemed to know what he was talking about..he got a 34/40.
Im not trying to brag..anything but bragging actually cause im trying to get myself to FUCKING DO MY WORK. It just comes to show i know what potential i hold and yet im still slacking. I should just stop blogging and do my work..but i honestly cant at this mindset. i feel like shit. I feel like i cant do shit. SIGH. *Slaps*

I tried to play pool today and was beat by a complete rookie. My aim was gone. power control failed and my positioning was just plan retarded. My pool skill really reflects my mood and mindset. well. what else? blah.

The weather outside is nice..i want to just sit and bath in it while reading my book..