love, respect, and rebellion.

i want to really face this topic head on because i believe every asian child has witnessed this and i want to just..vomit and see exactly what my thoughts are on this topic and my reaction my my thoughts. Let me make this a establishment. Please keep in mind all general assumptions or references are based solely on an asian up bringing. ill try my hardest not to be bias for i myself need to make an establishment to see where i stand.

I've been a rebel at heart my whole entire life. I cant say i ever wasnt. Blood honestly means nothing to me besides the fact that they deserve a extra chance no matter what, and sometimes thats not even the case, so honestly blood-relation really doesnt mean shit. I've learned much more life-altering lessons within my own head, through friends, neighbors, and staring at strangers. The thought of listening to someone my entire life was just stupid, i was always more gungho for Logic and reason rather than emotion. If you looked at the relationship between parent and child in a more purely logical manner you may understand my outlook better. There are generally three people. There is the naive child, stereotypical father figure, and stereotypical motherly figure.Stereotypical in my book means the father is strict and give the child his/her own voice because of his stern and unwavering discipline. while the stereotypical mother figure does the same, but shows what the kid should be when they grow up. Characteristics such as lack of compassion allows the child to have compassion if rebelling, lack of trust allows the child to gain a trustworthy and passionate personality if of course, rebelled upon. See a pattern? Pretty much, if you dont rebel, my theory should be resemble the person very well if i said the child will become...brainwashed. The parents dont give much option at all and if the child complies what you should be left with is a blindly obedient, booksmart, anti-social human being. With such a straight edged mind set, its obvious the child will go off to do BRILLIANT things but only within a small ray of which we would call life. I mean, Both, understandably want the best for you. But i saw this pattern ever since i was very little which is why i can pick it apart and i did not like it at all. Life has so much to offer and if they were to tell me not to do something, especially after seeing that pattern, i up and did it. Sometimes, i did it just to spite them out of pity that they and i may die not seeing all the different ways to view life. Their abuse and unacceptable disciple to me has caused me to become a pretty cold hearted douchebag to some when it comes to family. I established a long time ago that it is their duty to help me better myself. They should logically be fully ready for me to step on them to get on top. Some people may see that as reason to love them, but since they never knew me and i saw success in a completely different light, I established that it would be nothing more than a never ending friendship. This is true to this day, They do what they need to do to keep their life busy and i do my thing to succeed. Its too bad that they have a hard life and i will be moreee than willing to help but they have to give me at least the basic respect first. That is the difference between my view of my family compared to others, because i see my family as friends.
To boil it down to be even more basic, family is just a group of people that naturally know each other, therefore you give them the benefit of the doubt because you know roughly what type of lifestyle they had. Its a group of people living together that grow to either trust each other or not. if you dont, then you better because that group of people will be with you for the rest of your life. Thats the reason behind the unlimited amount of chances. Family...family is just a group of people that just so happen to be together and since they are together they are more likely to be similar to each other than anyone else in the world. Its because of my parents that i learned the clear line between loving with respect and respecting with love. That may be too cruel now that its in words, but the examples later may show more reason to my beliefs.

Asian parents are very fucking annoying. For me, they continuously work off of their assumed impressions of me instead of getting to know me and using that to discipline me. Which is why ive been strongly advocating a communicating relationship with my parents, regardless of how stupid i may seem to my sisters. when i first started this experiment several years ago they would yell at me themselves while my parents yelled at me cause they would think "Thomas, you are so fucking stupid for telling mom and dad you were out wondering the streets until 1am youre just asking to get yelled at, thats why they keep yelling at you. Dont tell them shit and they wont yell at you." They were mad cause i was making a mess of the house and causing them to yell. They thought it was pointless trying to communicate with parents such as mine but my parents have come quite a way. They now bear a moderate amount of reason and understanding. But times such as this make me feel like no progress..no understanding or family like qualities have been absorbed. Instead, i believe that ive simply used reverse psychology to tell them: look i dont give a shit if you yell at me. If you do youll just make it worse for yourself because im telling you exactly what im doing so i always have a arguement to back myself up. So they just stopped yelling. Hints that show this may be the case is tonight and that time my dad disowned me, which i have yet to document in my blog and should. My theory states that instead of them understanding me and my ability to be responsible and respectful to them, they think that i am still stupid and disrespectful and just holds it all in because i show them there is nothing they can do about it. Then they lash out with all the anger they held in during uncalled for moments.

For example, I always sleep in now. Im, quite frankly, very lazy and unproductive. I feel as if there is nothing to do. Quite frankly, on my part, there isnt anything to do. Im actually very angry that im not in school right now but instead wasting away a semester waiting to go relax yet again in another country. My father has the impression that i never help out around the house and this is true. I never do my laundry, never vaccum... im never home, and i never help them make phone calls. Matter of fact it was only until recently that i started helping them at work. The only reason why is because i wanted to show them that in order for me to help them they have to ask me. Things such as chores are exceptions from this asking because i do do my laundry when im away from the house, i have that responsibility. It goes back to me stepping on them to go up. Wait until i move out and petty things such as chores will be dealt with. (this is why i blog about this topic, now i know i may be more selfish than i think, but this passes through my head unchecked everyday) His anger is more directed towards, i feel, the major responsibilities: taxes, bills, phone calls, work (strenuous manual labor- restaurant cleaning business), taking some of the responsibility for the business my dad bought at Holboro. My father's burdens are far greater than my mothers, which most likely would get bored everyday if she didnt have my dinner to cook, or laundry to do, or places to clean haha. The reason why i never take responsibility and help my dad is because He never fucking lets me! he calls me incompetent and hands it off to my sisters even if it requires days or weeks of delay. The only thing i can help with is his manual labor business. I told him, Fucking...ASK ME, AND ILL DO IT. cause he was literally blaming me for him giving my sisters all the responsibility when he never put in the effort to give me any responsibility in the first place. If i dont get any responsibility it should be safely assumed that its taken care off, that the responsibility when split in three is not overbearing. Apparently im wrong. At least definitely in the cleaning area cause he never asked or would ask my sisters to do it. Which kinda makes me mad and i refused for many years to help him until he paid me proper respect. He literally said that i am too stupid to do anything else such at the paperwork so i should learn how to clean restaurants for a living therefore, i should start now, take his business in my hands and learn how to clean with him before he gets too old. Umm..old man, Fuck you. But now out of not love, but respect for him i help him.
I understood about a year ago that no matter how hard i try to change this family if i do not show my parents even the slightest approval my efforts would be in vain. I cannot love them, not yet, its getting there because i now i have a unconditional Respect for them. Which means i respect them so much for everything they done but honestly, i still want to literally punch my dad in the face and sew my moms mouth shut and beat her head in with a bat to make her smarter, cause i feel like thats how stupid she is.
So i help him clean now willingly, and my dad learned how to ask for my help so thats a start. He doesnt think that im such scum i cant do shit around the house, there was a time when he said that i was so incompetent that he didnt even want to ask me to go washing with him cause i was so stupid id get in his way. Honestly, i havent changed that much. This isnt bias this is all fact, his assumed impressions of me were fucking ridiculous.

So, now im stuck because im still kinda caught up on the fact that i thought i was making good progress, they have given alot of understanding and seen that i can help around the house if they asked and im not fuckin incompetent. (holy shit! my son isnt completely retarded!) But things such as the disowning several months ago and what happened tonight trouble me. My dad said i wasnt his son and he never saw me as his son (which honestly shouldnt effect me cause i see him as a friend but it was a symbolic statement) It hit me hard and a child never forgets that. He said it simply cause he woke up grumpy lacking sleep. It took him 5 hours less of sleep to discard my being. wow. He is seriously completely oblivious to the weight of the words that he said when he disowned me and i refuse to sympathize for it. So theres that then theres this simple matter that showed itself to me three days ago.

Apparently my parents still dont see that they are only using impressions to judge me. For example, since ive been sleeping in my parents say that i always sleep so late and i will never wake up early and achieve something greater. It is not in my nature to impress so if i hae nothing to fucking do im not going to wake up at 6 just to wonder around for 4 hours until things open up just to say See mommy i can wake up on time! :D Its stupid. And if i literally have nothing to do then i should be able to sleep in cause unless theyre going to give me something to do, im going to be bored as fuck or, go out and hang out with friends and use money. So my mother has this impression that no matter what i wont wake up on time for anything. A week ago i tried to tell my mom, "Mom, you have yet to try to wake me up for anything. so dont even try to pull that shit on me, you let me sleep in and unless i seriously sleep through everytime you tried to wake me up everyday i wake up at 4pm then im sorry and i stand corrected but i dont remember a single time that you tried to wake me up so dont tell me im irresponsible even though i do good in school and you know it" and she threw the whole attittude of, "WOWWWWWWWWW...WOWWWW i cant believe you just said that, youre exactly the type of person i hate, you dont take responsibility for your mistakes.BLAH BLAH BLAH" The next three days were the first three times i will have to wake up at 6am in a month cause dad asked me to help him at work. Quite frankly, i was very nervous myself lol. My mom was yelling at me to go to sleep because im not going to be able to wake up the next morning and i was trying to tell her that i can. I Made a BIG scene out of the situation just to make sure its engrved in her head that im more responsible than her impressions show. i shook her fucking hand and said if you try to wake me up and i dont wake up you can yell at me for the rest of my life for sleeping late, if not you dont say a word. and she agrees. sure enough, even though i slept at 3am the night she yelled at me i wake up at 6 the next morning ready to work. And the morning after without her waking me up, and the morning after. And actually there was fourth morning two mornings after and i wake up on time after waking up at 4pm the day before. And you know what? tonight she comes in screaming like a mad asian lady at 130am like WHY ARENT YOU ASLEEP?! YOU HAVE TO HELP DAD TOMORROW MORNING AND HERE YOU ARE ON YOUR COMPUTER. and what realllyyyy pisses me off is my dad, just like when he disowned me, woke up and started yelling at me for waking him up. MOTHER FUCKING MOM. jesus christ. You got a stupid mom, and a father that needs anger management and this is what you get. Seriously. she's still looking at the impression she has of me and not what she knows of me.

The problem is, its most logical for a parent to use an impression to discipline a child cause its easier to hold an impression than to review the facts. Besides, impressions are the general whole of a persons actions so shes just used to seeing me wake up late. Thats reasonable. But thats why i constantly sit down with them and tell them mom, dad, I AM NOT LAURIE! laurie is my first older sister, their favorite. I tell tem over and over i will NEVER do things to impress them, that is no longer my goal. You will be impressed once you respect me enough, because once you respect me enough for who i am you will see how smart i am. But i will not go out of my way to impress you. My sister purposely would start vaccuming when my parents call to tell us theyre coming home just so that they SEE her vaccuming, Other than that she wouldnt do it lol. same for any other chore or responsibility from my father. Or when she comes home from BU for a day she brings hw to try to do it. Its clear she doesnt get shit done cause It literally is impossible to get hw done at home. Once she gets home she is raped by paperwork from my dad, dinner, calls etc. But she brings it home and tells them shes doing hw just to impress them. Honestly, i know myself that i have these qualities and i dont need to flash it in their face haha. I will never do that, because i feel like someone should be liked for who they are, not for who they are trying to be and if they wanted to ease their hearts and know they have a successful son they would just trust me. This whole speech word for word...is repeated 500 times at least. ehh...i have things to work on. But shit.

I respect the hell out of my father and mother. I can write ESSAYS on how much they have done for me and how truely grateful i am. And i have, its just that they have taught me everything i SHOULDNT be so its hard to show them how grateful i am. haha

mom, dad, i <3 you. I will cry at your funeral. you've helped make me so strong and resilient that i wouldnt know how to show my thanks when youre gone.

Some people think is a taboo to talk about your own parents dying. dude. theyre humans too. lol. Hopefully before they do ill learn to love again and by then they would earn it, because im looking forward to having them be the first people i will love again :]

P.s. seriously mom. SERIOUSLY?!