The physics of it all

I believe i dont blog enough. I notice this and i want to blog more. I notice the more i blog the more down to earth i am because no matter what i think too much. The less i vent the more things are held in this little head of mine as untouched information and that only builds until im thinking about 5 different things at once. haha. So, this blog post is like cleaning pipes and letting my mind run wild. Unfortunately, even though i know ive been thinking about alot recently its so mixed together that nothing is coming to mind whatsoever. Therefore, this blog post will be me continuously outputting with no hesitation until my gag reflex kicks in. I know that Im thinking too much because of how emotional my dreams are, i notice when i have too much in my head dreams tend to be much more vivid. Most of the time, its dreams of sorrow. Last night i dont remember much of the dream.. but i was in a business evironment breakroom/cafe drinking a cup of coffee and i had my midlife crisis in my dream. ahaha And well, someone may think how do you know how a midlife crisis is like if you havent experienced it? oh trust me i have haha. This blogpost is going to be one of those nice little tricks to keep me from thinking. haha

Well my problem with my lonliness continues. For some reason i've been feeling awfully lonely lately. Maybe its because i keep switching networks (china network to boston social network) and all my friends in boston are scattered. It also doesnt help that the last two girls ive connected myself with just peaced out without warning...says alot about my personality huh? It means i cant flirt. haha honestly though, i cant understand how other guys do it, they just talk about the same topic for over an hour. I mean, i can do it but not willingly, it must be with someone i am extremely comfortable with and yes, some substances may help as well. Maybe a couple drinks to get the thoughts flowing. I've been trying to convince myself that i cant flirt because i just dont know myself well enough yet and i dont have enough confidence in what i know of myself so i feel as if no thoughts are worthy of sharing. I notice that for the most part my conversations are very acquaintance like and "heyy wassup how are you" "oh hows that job going" "No way, did you fail that class?" aka. same shit. haha *shrugs* im not ready thats all.

Umm apparently ive gained like..5 pounds. yay me. can hardly notice the size difference unless i take off my shirt and have you seriously look at each part of my body and compare them to before. my boobs gut and upper arm bicep area have gotten just like..a fraction bigger. haha or maybe thats my ego. *shrugs* I should buy my protein. i reallly wanna go all out and have results by christmas.

I really cant force myself to think..ive been listening to my "5 songs" theyre all from the killers but the lyrical basis and instrumentals tie these 5 special tracks together so that i can listen to them hundreds and millions of times on loop and it justs becomes...music. That backround music in your head that you hear in an elevator sometimes when you start thinking and you suddenly realize youre thoughts of a good day is nicely complimented by a rich orchestra piece haha. These five tracks really emphasis on mind they do a great job materializing thoughts and emotions into words. for example,
"You better run for the hills before they burn, listen to the sound of the world, don�t watch it turn. I just want to show you what I know and catch you when the current lets you go." or
"Now, so Why do you waste my time?
Is the answer to the question on your mind
And I'm sick of all my judges
so scared of what they'll find
But I know that I can make it
As long as somebody takes me home,
every now and then...

Oh, have you ever seen the lights?
Have you ever seen the lights?"

Its funny how just now, i realized the two lines, "now, so why do you waste my time?/ is the answer to the question on your mind" i completely just looked over it before and i didnt know it meant the person was actually judging his/her own thoughts. Idk. I like lyrics. i used to live and breath atreyu lyrics. Reading them over and over again catching the slightest metaphorical references or rereading them and finding a completely different way to look at them. Unfortunately, i feel like ive lost touch of my musical side. I listen to everything now! from lil wayne to dubstep to taylor swift and the occassional circa survive. Metal, and indie are thrown in maybe around 6-7pm when its getting dark and you mind looses its energy to produce constant flowing thoughts. I lack music, this is true. There is no music that can describe me right now and for once i understand those people that dont have a preference in music and it feels WEIRD. i used to actually really look down on people that had no preference in music because music is the easiest way to generally define a personality. If you cant even generally define yourself with a general genre, youre a fuckin mess thats thats really general lol. *shrugs*

Well im excited to go to the gym in about 2-3 hours get something done hopefully..i think im going to lay down and enjoy this morning a bit more though. Because this morning i woke up at 9 and couldnt fall back to sleep. im not tired. but its better to lay in bed awake sometimes :]

p.s.
Went to the gym today and jumped on the scale...offically 140 pounds! *bows* haha 5 pounds of fat went a long way today cause it was my first time to the gym and all i did was 3x10 benchpress 90 and 3x5 curls 25per-arm, 3x5 triceps 25per-arm and finishing off with 20 pushups. It was exactly 30 min burnout. i was actually 142 but dropped to 140 and feel like my arms grew..noticeably. Even doug saw the clear difference before and after. Then again, the body blows up way beyond what it actually is right after the gym but thats why i felt like today was soo productive! took only 30 mins got my whole upperbody done and i saw the potential my muscles have with the new fat i gained. Usually the difference isnt that much different cause i dont have much fat to use haha. But yeah wooot! excited to start the protein. I swear i looked in the mirror right after the gym and i looked 150lbs. haha i look now and my muscles relaxed again and it looks like im 140..but! at least for that small period of time. haha

Anywho. more dad shit. Fuck dad honetly. Im going with the flow now and tonight I didnt want to hear his shit. He started grumbling again and yelling and saying..you better go to sleep early today! I litterally said to him. dude. I dont want to listen to you, mom can tell me cause she can talk properly until you learn to talk to me im not going to listen, at least not about sleeping late. You lost your right to tell me to sleep early after disowning me while doing so last time. I know they want the best for me i truely do but they need to know that i only listen to them yell at me cause i want them to feel satisfied after yelling at me. Thats the cold fact. Im far beyond old enough to already have my own morals and beliefs and understand whats right and wrong. Anything i need is guidance and i respect ocassional yelling but proper guidance does not result to disowning their child and if telling me to go to sleep makes him feel like im not his son, i dont want to fucking hear it from him cause thats just plan rude. Im at the stage where i feel as if i should choose where i need mentoring cause honestly, they yell about the same exact shit everyday. Its not like im going to miss out on some brandnew life lesson i havent learned on my own 5 years ago. If i knew they had to potential to actually TEACH me something then yes, i will listen. But i am old enough to know what i should and should not do, and this may just be strictly about doing good in school, sleep and exercising. Cause that, if you havent read my blog..IS all the yell about.

Fucking mom i remember when i was in china and laurie was saying something about how the month went by so fast and it was alot of fun. My mom responded saying yeah, we spent alot of hard earned money and daddys getting old and cant handle a strenuous career anymore so you better study alot and do well in school, THOMAS. FUCK YOU MOM. fuck you. you were having a one on one conversation with laurie and i was walking slightly ahead how the fuck did i come into the conversation and somehow get lectured directly. It was a clear low blow that i did not deserve. LAurie laughed out loud and my mom literally said, whats so funny? why is laurie laughing? facepalm

Call me rude and ignorant, cause i mean sure they are older and took care of me but thats why i feel the need to teach them what i feel hasnt been taught before. they deserve this knowledge that will make them happier. Its a sharing relationship because im not son and dad were friends. My mom is still fucking holding grudges because dad saw a lady he knew in china and shes still selfish as fuck. My dad wanted to give away some stuff cause we couldnt fit everything/didnt need it back at home such as extra sandals, clothes and souvenirs but my mom refused to give them away. dude..wtf? and my dad is forever having anger management problems even though everytime we yell/i lash out i make sure to yell then talk just to show him..talking man to man in the most extreme situations...is very much possible. oh and his infatuation with the belief that im going to fail at life and everything i do. Dude, im only trying to help them out when i lash out. Thats my perspective. Like they need to save their breath cause honestly me and laurie take turns waking up before the other. i woke up before her today she woke up before me yday and it works like that. In their head im not going to wake up early on my own cause i always sleep late..and i dont get enough sleep. Dude..1) if i dont get enough sleep my muscles wouldnt be growing nor can i function 100% everyday 2)i wouldnt be naturally waking up at 8-9 am refreshed! these are factual cause yes, everyday since we've come home ive leterally taken account of what time i wake up in the morning and whether or not i wake up before laurie. but thats a good way to end by saying...and that is the physics of it all.

Physics cause all im taking this term is physics haha physics 1 and physics lab. I went into the lab high as fuck and i felt super smart cause i was around all these business people. They didnt know anything about physics. ANYTHING. So i was super lucky. i was scared i would stick out like a sore thumb going to class high cause things were going in one ear and out the other the entire time. haha Never again. But it was an experience me and my partner got everything done first and actually helped other groups. haha the wonders of the stupid life of thomas.

lol @ the irony between the rant and the real life experience. But dude, this comes to show i know what im doing. It was the first class and i knew the lab was super easy cause of the syllabus. I took an online test completely drunk once and i got a 89. I know what im doing haha, so dont take it as a idkkk maybe hes wrong. haha Maybe i am wrong, but the smartest person knows how to balance social and work life..PERFECTLY. I want to be just like them, and i wont learn unless i try. That doesnt mean that i will have to get drunk and high in the future but like..say i was going to work and my car broke down leaving my house and i had no way to go to work. Its called being on top of your toes and always smart enough to have something up your sleeve. Its a skill. really is, this skill is complimented very nicely with charisma.

Speaking of the stupid life of me. Chapter for later so that i dont forget. "Karma and other complaints." i might just write it right now.